Nov 30/08

the one where i break a little....

there are two types of challenges we face in life: the one we're thrown into and the one we see coming. i saw mine coming and i questioned if i was up to it. i wondered if i knew how to handle it and get through it stronger and proud of myself, or, at the very least, still able to stand and make sense of it. if, for the purpose of this post, there can be a "thick of it" to each the beginning, middle and end, i am certainly in the thick of the beginning.

in the past 10 months, life has changed dramatically for me. i have found my life back on track and am slowly seeing what my purpose at this point of my life is. i'm learning (albeit, slowly) how to handle the mini-challenges i've had up to now, i've grown closer to people who have had majorly positive impacts on my life and am taking steps to ensure that the impacts i have on others life is also positive.

all was going good, and then a few weeks ago, i started having these conversations with friends and co-workers and my eyes were really opened to just how much sadness and hurt there is out there. had i been so caught up in my own journey of being happy and feeling loved that i had missed signs of the people i care about? or, is part of my journey figuring out how i can be happy and this draws people to me? does that make sense? i don't want it to come off at all egotistical because i believe that people are drawn to certain energies and i know i am drawn to people who have positive energy.

through talking with these friends, i realized that there was sadness and hurt that i had not yet tapped into in myself. or i had, but only slightly. i had barely scratched the surface. all of these years, i had scratched and let these hurts scab over building barriers so thick, the wounds became numb. they were dead. they being important parts of me. the me that trusts, stands up for herself, loves herself, is completely honest with others, builds solid relationships with others, can build romantic relationships and really love someone intimately. is this why i'm only attracted to men who have huge emotional barriers themselves? so when they don't let me in, it's easy for me to put the blame on them. i can project all of my faults on them because they're displaying the same stunted emotional shortcomings that i myself am living out loud. if i could insert a sound here, it would be a resounding gong.

this challenge that i saw coming and couldn't prepare for...can i do this? do i have the strength? do i have the faith? do i have the patience? can i afford to walk away from myself, again? will my friends be patient with me? when i feel like i'm making progress and want to shut myself off, will i have someone there to make me open up?

i don't know. i. don't. know.

and a lot of that, i SHOULD know. there's a lot of doubt being put in me right now, and i just need to remember that there are people out there who are thinking of me and praying for me. i need to remember that i am loved. this challenge is going to bring a lot of hurt, a lot of questions, a lot of heartbreak; but most importantly, it's going to bring a lot of freedom.

i know that.